Introspection
by Nofret
Summary: There was nothing sexual about it, seriously; just the almost obsessive fixation of stripping Jill Bernhard bare. Edited and extending. Cindy/Jill WIP.
1. Aesthetics

_Disclaimers for a change you say? James Patterson's, I'm innocent, and Hang those ABC's execs!! _

**Introspection.**

There was nothing sexual about it, seriously; just the almost obsessive fixation of stripping Jill Bernhard bare.

The idea assaulted Cindy Thomas at the most odd and inappropriate times of the day, and it had for months now.

She could almost see it, hear it, feel it: the expensive material her suits were made of under her fingertips as she slowly unbuttoned and pushed the jacket off her shoulders to pool at her feet, the rustling whisper it'd make first as it slid against her silk-soft blouse, a new texture joining the sensorial melody in a crossfade of sorts, and then as it'd softly reached the ground. The warmth of the well fitted shirt, heated by her skin, as one by one all its buttons were pulled free, maybe even untucking it from the tight waistband of her slacks- it had to be a pantsuit, it just had to.- loosening the afore mentioned slacks and letting them to freefall and join the jacket already on the floor, preceding the shirt still hanging open on her shoulders; the electric tingle of static charging the fabric and running down her arms, and her spine, the fine, golden pores standing on end as she bared shoulders and arms… Hell, she'd even be close enough to smell the sweet, subtle, _ethereal_ essence of her outrageously expensive perfume!

O.k. perhaps she was exaggerating by using the word _bare_; which was probably the _oddest_ part of it all.

She could see every step of the process with cinematographic clarity, the gentle line of her shoulders, the curve of her throat, the relaxed rise and fall of her cloth-covered chest, the slim wais, flaring hips and long, strong and slender legs accentuated by the elegant cut of the slacks encasing them; close-ups to every item as it's being removed. The life-like sound quality, from her own, confusion fueled, slightly agitated breathing, to Jill's calmed own and their dissonant heartbeats…

And though the only logical follow up to these actions, only imaginary or not, would be to raise her eyes and bear witness to her handy-work's product, the skin underneath and what else might be; the moment she'd freed Jill of every main article of clothing her mind went inevitably and irremediably blank, arbitrarily changing the subject. And that eased her mind somewhat; yet, she couldn't help but ponder the whys, even as she couldn't seem to get any closer to the answers.

All in all, Cindy could do nothing but sigh and hope for all that was good and holy Jill never caught even a whiff of the highly unusual drift her idle musings were taking nowadays; she had no idea of how the ADA would take it; after all and even when it _really_ was just an aesthetical analysis of her persona based in the general way she carried herself, Cindy herself couldn't say how she felt about it, much less fathom anyone else's responses. But seriously, if she'd never seen her, as in _really_ **seen** her, during the Donovan case: hands in pockets, casual, confident posture, blue eyes hidden behind unruly blonde tresses. She wouldn't even be having these thoughts; in any case and by no stretch of the imagination though, she was fairly certain she'd never live it down if any 'club-member' ever _did_ find out, be this Lindsay or Claire or, worst case scenario, Jill herself.

God first and with a little luck they never would, making it unlikely things could get worst; she sure didn't think she had the brain power to deal with any escalation.

One can only hope…_right?_

**Authoress Notes:**

_Hi, I didn't think I'd be dabbling into this again, I'm kind of slow in the uptake and this was supposed to be only a necessary evil, but then this one image of Jill just sort of struck me and it kind of fitted well with this, after the edits, and it became the starting point for chapter two._

_Let me know what you think:_

_**Nofret.**_


	2. Bedhead

_I hope this meets expectations, not that they could have been _too_ high. Thanks to Insanitic_ _for reading both times, and to anyone who might still be interested. Here's Chapter Two:_

**Bedhead.**

Hair poking in every which way, no discernable pattern in sight, Jill Bernhard looked actually _cute_, in a just-fucked kind of way.

The impact was such, Cindy forgot what in hell's name she was doing there to begin with; the famed Thomas-Motor-Mouth actually stuck in neutral.

For fifteen full seconds there was silence, half-lidded blue eyes, _sleepily_ half-lidded blue eyes- which didn't really help override the initial assessment-, thinly veiled amusement shinning in their depths, looked down on her; despite bare feet against the two inches heeled boots she was wearing. At six o'clock in the morning, no less.

Arms crossed and dressed in a tank top and pajama pants in shades of blue, Jill leaned casually on her doorframe while the reporter re-gathered her wits. Taking her sweet time to enjoy and record every detail of the momentous occasion in her memory: Cindy Thomas shocked speechless.

It really did have to be the most impressive case of bedhead she had ever seen; it almost looked as if someone had just given in to the impulse and ran their hands through the soft golden locks and expertly (_pleasurably_), shaped it that way. Her hands itched. Incidentally, it was also the first time her 'musings' actually made skin contact. _Fuck_.

Cindy was vaguely aware her mouth was hanging open, but all the synapses of her addled brain could add to was that one word; _fuck_, that and the even more vague, almost instinctive, confusing-warning-bells, like the unfocused but vindicated impression of having enough problems as it was and absolutely not _needing_ any extra material.

_Fuck._

She'd been up for far longer than her usual; she could probably blame her total inability to form word on it. Probably. Had she had time to rationalize it, she was sure she _could_ convince even herself.

A shame she really didn't _have_ time.

"Hi," the monosyllable, more of a noise in its expulsion than a real word, finally managed to conclude its long road, having lost its way somewhere in the interim of making a fool out of Cindy.

"Morning," the roughness in Jill's voice attesting to her state of unconsciousness only minutes ago. "To what do I owe the pleasure of you dragging me out of bed _this_ early?" she asked with a slight smirk curving her lips and taking a step behind to let her in.

"uh, yeah, about that…" she cleared her throat, sure Jill was only teasing her but cursing her choice in vocabulary. "I…" her words were cut off by a jaw-cracking yawn. "Sorry, sorry…" she dragged the second apology through a smaller second yawn and cleared her throat. "I guess I'm more tired than I thought." A third yawn actually made her sway on her feet.

"Stop, stop, stop," Jill raised a hand to cut her off, a slight frown appearing in her face; "How did you get here?" she asked in a _'tell-me-you-did-not-just-drive-here'_ tone of voice as she ushered her in.

"Maggie's parked outside," her brain was obviously halfway to a long vacation in Hawaii, obviously, as she totally missed all warning signs.

Jill just rolled her eyes.

"Of course Maggie's parked just outside," her voice filled to the brim with irony.

"I have a big, very _big_ lead for Lindsay's case, and my phone's out for the count…" she managed to put together enough of the last thirty six to forty hours, beyond the fuzziness of sleep deprivation and the elephant sitting on her chest by the name of 'unfocused, uncontrollable panic', "and we need to…" Jill's hand on her shoulder stopped her in her tracks.

"What ever you think we need can wait another hour," she declared firmly, "you're worst of than just dead on your feet, as it stands I have no idea of how you _managed_ to get here in one piece." She pushed the reporter onto the couch and shook her head at her baffled expression. "_You_, are going to take a nap in that couch as soon as I get you some pillows and blankets, and_ I_, will make sure both Lindsay and Claire are at the Hall by the time we arrive, what's more? I'm not waking you up until we _absolutely _have to leave."

Jill's voice reached Cindy from down the hall. Geez, had she been this exhausted five minutes ago? A wonder really, she couldn't find it in her to fend off the lawyer, despite the insistent urge to bolt out the door, the building, the city and, if her passport had only been in order, the country. What ever she'd been expecting when she decided to ask Jill for a phone call or two, this certainly wasn't it.

As of that moment, though, following her directives seemed like the sensible thing to do. Even if the idea of sleeping in Jill's apartment be it in her bed, her couch or her doormat, wasn't her wisest given the circumstances; the strains of the day finally passing bill left her without a getaway plan.

"Here," the DDA's voice startled her as she reappeared, threw two pillows by the other side of the couch and patted them. "lie down."

"But…"

"Later," she smiled impishly, "or I'll tell Claire and Lindsay how you blanked out in the face of my otherworldly beauty." She threatened with a wink.

"You're right…" the redhead blinked owlishly, "either I'm losing it because of lack of sleep or you're really into some seriously-can't-be-legal stuff." She joked with a small, uncomfortable smile.

"Just sleep already," the blonde's smile was as brilliant as the sun (to Cindy's addled brain maybe even brighter), or at least brighter that it had any right to be at that hour. "you can figure it out later, like when your brain is not about to make a puddle on my carpet." The redhead shucked her boots and stretched out while Jill basically tucked her in. "my very expensive carpet if you must know, which you'd have to pay cleaning for if you did soil it." she murmured with a smirk.

"I won't have to if it's your blood," she played along and yawned big and long enough to park a mini cooper. "nite." She murmured burying herself in the blankets and conking out with one final thought.

_Damn it._

**Authoress Notes:**

_Just awoken Jill was the image that wouldn't leave me alone unless I wrote it, and the reason this is now a multi-chapter._

_I'm still working on most of it and the third chapter is almost ready to go._

_On another note; my apology if my fic "The Unexpected" scarred anyone too badly. Thanks to both Starry and pprbckwrtr for your support._

_By the way, pprbckwrtr_, _if you manage to make that a one-shot series dedicated to 'torture the blonde' however subtly it is, I will declare my undying love for you to anyone who cares to read it. (Yes I know, it's cruel; but I laughed my ass off reading 'The Devil Wears Prada' so I've already been established a sadist.)_

_**Nofret.**_


	3. Dreams or Nightmares?

**Fact: **_There's a dream sequence in this one, after much deliberation I decided to leave it in second person, besides the cursive, as an indicator of its nature. If this was a mistake please do point it out._

**Dreams or Nightmares?**

Cindy opened her eyes with a sinking feeling of fatality.

It'd been a month since she crashed the couch at Jill's apartment. After sleeping all of the hour and a half Jill decided to give her, she had been back in possession of her senses, and being finally able to give a rational, coherent recount and explanation of her circumstances, stressed the need for a 'club meeting' regarding their latest case.

That had gone over exceedingly well, all things considered; she pretended to nod off all the way to the Hall- as Jill insisted she was in no shape to drive, and was probably right-, and, having had enough time to prepare herself, gave the performance of her life, managing to look as if she wasn't freaking out all through the discussion.

As a friend she always gave her all, 'absolute trust and honesty' being her policy, and thinking of it that way, it was kind of logical that the girls thought her the worst liar ever- even considering the second time Lindsay ever lied eyes on her, she'd just convinced Teresa Woo's landlord of being the adoptive sister of an acknowledged loner who'd lived in the building for years-, and so far she hadn't had a reason to stray. That is until that day.

After that, things had been easier, once over the initial surprise, and having analyzed it on a cool, well rested head, it hadn't been so hard to see she was (probably) exaggerating. Going from knowing a friend attractive to finding them attractive was not the end of the world, an adjustment? Sure, but no the end of the world.

But that? That was nothing_, nothing _in comparison, and she knew it.

It was in the seventh and last day of fever induced head and body aches. The how being a mystery even to her, she'd ended up with a mild case of dengue, very mild really, only the fever, dizziness and pains assorted; nothing extended repose, lots of liquids and tons of acetaminophen couldn't cure.

It was a pity it decided to leave with a bang.

_You woke up and took stock; yep, the 102 degrees fever you went to sleep with was still there and you still felt like a sweaty, achy and pitifully pathetic slug. Nothing had changed in the last eight hours, and it made you feel even worst than the absolute mess to greet your eyes in the form of your room; you were just too tired to do anything about it as much as you would have liked to; and that was fine and dandy until you saw her, Jill, watching you from the door._

_A long and lively onslaught of curses was given life within your mind, and who could blame you? There you were: at your worst, looking and feeling like all hell. And there she was: relaxed without a care in the world, clean, neat and sexily comfortable leaning on the doorframe to your room. What was worst? There was your room, better described as the war zone your bed resided in; thankfully you were too tired to even blush in embarrassment, and just as well, given the fact that your cheeks were already tinted by the fever._

"_Sorry I didn't come sooner; you know how it is..." She trailed off and smiled apologetically._

_And because you are you and it's in your very nature, you smile back… reaching out your hand to her before you even realize you're doing it._

_You could swear her smile widened then, but it was probably just the fever playing tricks on you; still she walks into the room and takes your hand. Moreover, she actually goes along when you tug on her arm to get her in the bed, climbing over you and allowing you to cuddle into her as she strokes your hair._

_Nothing could have stopped the peaceful smile or the contented sigh from escaping you; you can't even remember having ever felt so happy or safe in your life, and no tropical disease can put a damp on it. Nothing can._

So, as Cindy opened her eyes she knew it, she knew she was done for, knew it with the certainty of the sun rising in the east. The dream had to be, after all, just the tip of the iceberg. And she? She'd just been baptized its Titanic.

She'd felt the attraction and dealt with it; but altogether jumping the 'soul-consuming sexual desire' stage and right into the 'wanting them by your side at the very peak of your vulnerability' one, was plain dangerous; it really couldn't get much more intimate than that to Cindy, and was just a step down from absolute and utter catastrophe.

Still, she refused to _think_ about _that_ extreme; she might suspect, almost know really, but was too afraid to even try for confirmation.

If only time could tell, _why_ go into hysterics so soon?

**Authoress Notes:**

_I really, really hope there's still people reading this.__ And more than that, that you're actually enjoying it. I thrive on that hope._

_Special thanks to The Oh So Bored One, Future PDX P.D. 2011, a. cameron-brown, for putting me in their Story Alert list, to Cayenne and Insanitic for their reviews, most specifically to Insanitic (my first serial reader!!); and last but not least to JCLover2012, for throwing me in her Favourite Author listing and threshold for doing the same but with this little something I'm trying like hell to finish._

_As a personal note, the dream thing is real, even the dengue, the only thing missing was the romantic implication, but I kinda have a nose for these things and ultimately decided to pitch it in with the rest of this misfits._

_**Nofret.**_

**P.s. **_As of the next chapter we get _some _club interaction, which also means it's about to get a tiny bit antsy. Just so you're warned._


	4. Resignation

_Here's the fourth I hope I haven't make you wait too long._

**Resignation.**

Falling in love with a friend; it wasn't a surprising or undesirable concept, quite the opposite indeed, falling for someone you already know the best and worst of and still care for and respect despite/because of it. What's not to like, right?

Cindy Thomas contemplated the cold- for the last thirty minutes- cup of coffee in her hands, a vacant expression on her face. She could not say she hadn't seen it coming; she'd seen it, oh, had she seen and analyzed and cursed every step of the way! All the denial in the world wouldn't have blinded or deceived her. She knew. No way around it.

"O.k. honey," the voice of Claire Washburn woke her from her reverie. "are you finally going to tell me what's up with you?" the good doctor gave her a easy smile as she sat opposite her in their usual boot at Papa Joe's.

"What do you mean?" she tried for a feeble smile of her own.

"Sweetie, I'm talking about this," she took the cold coffee from her hands, "how long have you been sitting here, ignoring this poor innocent coffee that did nothing to earn your scorn?" Cindy's smile grew, appreciative of her friend's humor. And so did Claire's.

"Nothing, I'm just a bit distracted lately, that's all." She punctuated that with a sigh and her eyes returned to the table.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, Cindy dear, but you are_ not _'distracted'" it was Claire's turn to sigh. Cindy had to fight down a grimace.

"Okay. 'Distracted' was you up to over, say, three months ago, for a full month afterwards you were confused and bewildered; from then on, you've been distant, but this…" she pointed to her present situation; her hunched over cold coffee and an intentionally blank expression on her face. "Honey, this is down right depressed."

Another sigh and a sad, resigned look at Claire stopped the M. E. on her tracks.

"Hon, I'm just saying, you have not one, but two ears and shoulder should you ever feel the need for them;" she paused, "I'm really worried, dear, this is nowhere near your norm and I can't help but want to_ help_, and wouldn't you do the same if it were me?"

Cindy nodded weakly. Yes, she would hound Claire until she gave something, Jesus! It really was different when it was you clamming up. She opened her mouth, stopped, tried again and squeaked, shutting her mouth with a snap and a wince. She cleared her throat and said: "It's complicated, I wouldn't…" she sighed, eyes on the tabletop, and shrugged, "I guess I'm just not comfortable_ thinking _about it, much less handle the 'talking about it' part… yet." She smiled ruefully; at least she could still find the humor of her situation, even if Claire didn't seam to. "Look," she breathed deep and looked into worried brown eyes, her own open, sincere. "I still need some time," she winced, "for honesty sake's, I'm not gonna deny something, indeed, has been up with me, and it has for a while. But, it's come in stages, and this last development…_ knocked_ the proverbial air out of my lungs, so to speak, and I'm still trying to catch my breath so I can do something about it."

"As long as you don't suffocate," the mother of two smiled sadly, compassionately. "never forget we're all here for you, Cindy, despite implacable resistance you've made us, all three of us, care too much about you to let you stranded."

Cindy's smile was small but honest, really felt. She hopped to, some day, be honored as an ear for this amazing woman's secrets, till then, she'd have to do with sharing her own...

As soon as she could spit them out, that was.

**Authoress Notes:**

_I warned you, I'm in fact changing category with the next chap._

_Thanks to:_

_Cayenne for Reviewing_

_res cogitans (formerly Insanitic: My First Serial _Re_viewer) for reviewing and adding me both to her Author Alert Listing and her Favorite Author List._

_The Oh So Bored One for Reviewing (Don't you just hate when something like that happens? I fell ya)._

_Ebony-Jayne for reviewing and adding me to both her Favorite Stories and her Story Alert listing. Welcome on board!_

_Next one up: Lindsay, Run in fear!_

**_Nofret_**.


	5. Waylaid

**Waylaid.**

If there ever was a person who could be explained in one word, that'd have to be Lindsay Boxer; ironically enough, that word would just so happen to be 'Confusing'; which was just as fine, Cindy had always loved a good conundrum.

Now, sitting across from her, and to avoid freaking out, she started to consider the fascinating, if at times terrifying, woman.

She knew the divorce had changed her, probably more than Kiss-Me-Not ever could, and not exactly for the best- though it probably just ended adding to her 'charm', Cindy quite liked her the way she was, didn't she?-; she'd wondered often enough, what it most have been to have known her before the divorce, maybe even before Tom, arriving always to the conclusion that it most have been_ really _something, and an honour not even Jill, if her calculations around this last one were correct, had, no one this days but Claire that is.

As a general rule, she actually kind of appreciated Tom, he wasn't a bad sort and she couldn't find it in her heart to dislike the good lieutenant for any extended periods of time, which didn't mean she couldn't hate his guts from time to time, those times were, of course, rare and far between; still, they existed and were a bit embarrassing by the time they were over.

Anyway, right then, while waiting for the shoe store to fall and as cruel as it might be and as ashamed as it might make her feel, she found herself wishing with all of her heart today was one of those days. That'd mean Lindsay wasn't here to pry out of her what Claire's gentle prodding hadn't been able to.

She did have to wonder why would they bring the big guns out so soon; maybe they were trying to catch her unprepared, something like throwing her into the ring her warm ups cut short. She had to admit it was a damn brilliant idea, and grudgingly be thankful for, she didn't think she could get a hold of herself long enough to have this conversation-to-be with Jill.

"So," Lindsay started just after Cindy, no longer able to stop herself, started squirming. "How long have you been in love with Jill?" she fired startling the reporter.

"Ugh,"_ O.k. unexpected_ (though it sorta explained the big guns so soon part), she cleared her throat, "Lindsay, you're losing it, I. Am. _Not_. In love. With Jill." Her answer was slow and composed impressing her even if Lindsay not so much.

"Really?" Lindsay's brows shot up, her voice dripping sarcasm.

"But of course really!" she smiled with fake cheer, as if the Inspector were pulling her leg. "cuz that'd be just plain stupid, wouldn't it?"

"Would it?" she frowned but her eyes remained calm.

"Well yea, come on, this is Jill we're talking about…" she said as if that resolved the issue.

"I don't see how that might possibly clarify this… _answer_ of yours," her brows grew tighter together, her tone disdainful, making the redhead wince.

"You know, Jill," she was starting to sweat bullets. "'Flavour of the week' Jill." She said one of the more pleasant monikers the blonde was known by in the Hall and related industries before she could bit it down her throat were it belonged.

"So that's why." Lindsay said dryly, her brows shooting up.

"Why what?" she had the bad feeling of having just unintentionally walked into an ambush.

"In your opinion she's so far beneath you, it'd be stupid of _me_ to even spout such atrocity. _You_ in love with Jill 'flavour of the week' Bernhard? Preposterous." The disdain was back with redoubled strength.

"NO! that's, that's not what I meant… I would…" that was so far from what she'd intended she was left sputtering to get the conversation on it's right pat; even if trying to divert it somewhat _was_ what got her into this mess to begin with.

"No, no, I get it," the brunette raised a placating hand. "why would you, a veritable prodigy, steep so low as to even respect, much less get interested in such a harlot." The derision in Lindsay's words, as hurtful as it was could not be computed before her words were and they made something in her snap.

Few people knew it but, although not easily provoked, Cindy's temper was not to be underestimated; it was quite capable of burning every bit as incendiary as Lindsay's, and that to say something.

Both of Cindy's hands shot up and then back down slapping the table with a lot more force than expected, given her build.

"Jill is a beautiful woman, and an equally beautiful human being; but she's a _woman_, a_ heterosexual_ woman, and if that isn't reason enough for you, she'd an emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic, heterosexual woman." She fisted her hands in frustration. "_THAT_'s why it'd be stupid of me to fall for her." She was fuming mad, as her agitated breathing and colored face testified to it. "to take such a leap with open eyes would be masochistic, and I for one I'm anything but." She openly glared at Lindsay's closed expression. "and why am I even telling you any of this?!" She laughed bitterly, "You're just like her!! Equally as closed up to every and any good thing life might ever come to offer!" she stood up literally shaking with barely contained fury; she looked at the Inspector for a couple of seconds and the made to leave.

"Cindy," the brunette called as she grabbed her by the wrist, her expression turning imploring. "it's not my intention to hurt you, but that silence was slowly killing the Cindy I know and consider one of my best friends, so I had to break it somehow." Her voice trembled just a fraction; "I'll beg your forgiveness eternally but it was the only way I could think of to achieve it." she swallowed hard.

Cindy blinked, her eyes tearing up.

"Now _sit_, you might actually have a _temper_, one you've somehow manage to hide from us so far, but I'm pretty sure it dies down fast enough." She gave her a conciliatory smile, her words trying to lighten up the current dark mood.

"Does Claire know?" she didn't move to sit or to leave. An advance.

"Yes, we kind of figured it out together." She scratched her cheek wit her free hand, embarrassed.

Cindy plopped back onto her former sit, mind running a mile a minute, ideas coming and going, not computing together.

"Now what?" she looked into sympathetic chocolate orbs. Her friend shrugged.

"So… you're_ not _going to offer advice? Issue warnings? Anything?" she raised her brows both interrogative and fairly uncertain.

"I'm not in any position to, so I'm just going to state the facts as they are, whenever you need to hear them" Lindsay shrugged uncomfortable, "and that's as far as I can get without getting defensive about Jill or protective of you." They both smiled slightly. "I admit Claire would be much better suited for this but… things being as they are, you'll just have to deal." her smile turned timid, tentative.

Cindy felt the impulse to hug the tall brunette, but settled for chuckling softly knowing that following through would only embarrass the Inspector.

Besides the anvil so suddenly off her chest left her too mellow to seize the opportunity.

**Authoress Notes:**

_The Oh So Bored One sorry but yes, it's going to get a teeny bit antsy  
_


	6. Splintered

**Splintered.**

It all started simple enough; drinks at papa Joe's over Tom's wedding anniversary, until a call interrupted the evening. Jill, being the only one over the top of her head, was basically out; and Cindy, being the only one who didn't _have_ to be there, offered to take their friend home. Simple, right?

"You don't want to be in love with me!"

Wrong!

The up till then silent Jill slurred slightly. "Do you have any idea of how much I can hurt you? Without even trying?" she shook her head vehemently. "I don't want to hurt_ you_." One agitated hand went through her hair, a few tresses standing on end as a result; her eyes were haunted, her breath stank of alcohol and it was a rare instance to see the lawyer as drunk as she actually was, even if her liquor consumption would have already induced an ethylic coma in most people.

"This is no time to have this discussion, Jill." The reporter declared firmly as she opened the door to her friend's apartment, somehow managing to ignore the chill in her chest. "Come on, in you go," she threw an arm around the inebriated DDA, hauling her along.

"Is not a discussion," she yawned hugely, leaning more heavily on the redhead. "is a declaration of _facts_!" she elongated the a in facts. "I hurt everyone, always…" the blonde closed her eyes melodramatically and hid her face in the crook of Cindy's neck, almost resulting with them both on the floor.

"Jill, damn it! Behave!" she tightened her hold and widened her stance to keep them balanced.

"Since?"

Cindy smiled despite herself;_ point taken._

"I'm throwing you in the couch otherwise." She threatened.

"I already told you, _not_ a good idea." She stumbled and threw herself into the couch, almost dragging Cindy along.

"Damn it, Jill." She cursed again with a grimace.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." She waved a dismissive hand.

"Come on, I have to finish dragging you to bed," she indicated grabbing Jill by the arm. "you wont forgive me if I let you sleep here." She hauled her up.

"We need to talk!" the blonde straightened up before teetering to the right, forcing Cindy to compensate.

"No, we don't. you're drunk and have no idea of what you're saying." She stated as calmly as she could while having to hold up a bit over half her taller friend's weigh. "you're so lucky you're so skinny." She gritted out between clenched teeth, also considering herself lucky for seriously working out, otherwise they wouldn't have managed to get this far.

"That's why Lindsay is usually the one to handle me," she smirked. "she's taller and brawnier." She added mischievously.

"Seriously!" the little reporter let the blonde tumble into bed catching her breath, and proceeded to remove the lawyer's shoes. "I'm not undressing you, so that'll have to do," she straightened her clothes, picked a blanket and covered Jill. "hauling your ass here is more than enough." She murmured turning. Kitchen, glass, water, bathroom and aspirins being her present plan.

"You deserve more than me, Cindy." Jill stated quietly. "You shouldn't settle for less than you deserve, and I'll just break your heart." She murmured before a gentle snoring sound filled the room.

**Authoress' Notes:**

_I'm sorry I've taken so darn much__ to upload this, but I've been struggling with the ninth chapter (no success whatsoever, by the by), but now my problems have multiplied thanks to Misty Flores (whom I absolutely adore, of course), who published a much better, upgraded, full extras version of my seventh chapter for the holidays, leaving me with six chapters down and, yet again, three to go._

_Soooo, any suggestions WILL be greatly appreciated:_

_**Nofret.**_

_**P.s. **__Just so you know THANKS pprbckwrtr and yellowsmurf6!!_


	7. The Thin Red Line

**The Thin Red Line.**

The last weeks had been… taxing, to say the least. The case of the thrice damned (Cindy's opinion) night, had grown out of anyone's control; to such point even Cindy was running ragged.

Club meetings had been reduced to only a professional capacity. No one the wiser, including Jill as far as Cindy could say, to the happenings on the blonde's flat. Not to say it was weighting _too_ much on her mind, she _hardly_ gave it _any_ thought at all.

Cindy's head hit the desk of her little cubicle on 'The Register' with a resounding thud.

Was she to lose her mind over Jill in addition to her heart?

If only she had any time to look for advice, or if only any of her advisors had any time at all; as it was, she had more than twenty minutes trying to reach Lindsay with little success, point at which she took her jacket one destination in mind: The Hall of Justice.

A fruitless mission it was, as not even Jacobi was anywhere in sight. Claire would have been her next target of choice, hadn't she, as did Lindsay, been banned from the morgue and its business unless summoned.

Her editor would have a fit if she didn't bring an update for the afternoon edition, and Lindsay would surely kill her if the general population of San Francisco got hold of _this_ before her.

She hadn't, since _El Incidente_, intentionally put herself in close quarters with the blonde attorney, making _this_ the first time they'd be in the same room without Claire or Lindsay acting as buffers…

"Jill," She called knocking on the door as she opened it.

"Cindy!" was the blonde's exuberant response as she stood to greet her, "what brings you here on this _fine_ day?"

"I can't get a hold of Lindsay and I think I've got something she might be interested on, besides a deadline to meet." She recited from barely inside the office. "so I thought I could leave it with you…" she gesticulated but didn't finish the sentence.

"Sure," she advanced on the redhead to take the folder from her and Cindy almost jumped out of her skin at the proximity.

"Thanks," she tried to beat a hasty retreat but was stopped when Jill leaned on the door and looked intensely into her eyes. "I do have a deadline, you know? I really should be going…"

"You've been avoiding me this last few weeks and I need to know why," apparently taking her hostage was the tactic of the day for the DDA.

"Oh, have I?" the short reporter frowned trying to feign confusion. And not doing a very good job of it, too.

"I have my own theory about it, but only you can clarify it," she crossed her arms leaning sidewise on the still closed door. Leaving Cindy no choice but to tread deeper in the office, if only for the sake of her sanity.

"Yes well, I've not been actively avoiding you," she clarified, or tried to. "but we've all been so busy, and I do say _all_, as in _you_ _too_." She was five seconds away from a full babble meltdown.

"I'm sorry," she let her arms fall to her sides and took two steps in the general direction of her desk, still facing Cindy as her hands went immediately into her pockets, "I'm really sorry," she reinforced the non-sequitur, effectively rooting Cindy to the floor, "I do believe an apology was in order," she added given Cindy's startled expression, "you were being a good friend, I shouldn't have said what I did, and that's why I'm sorry; it is, after all, seriously affecting our friendship, and I don't want that." she paused for emphasis.

"It doesn't matter, Jill, really, it doesn't." Cindy took advantage of said pause to try and dig herself from the discussion. Jill was basically still between her and the door.

"So you don't deny it?" Jill's voice had an odd property to it that Cindy couldn't identify.

"Deny what?" she _did_ try, but the panicked expression and tone were a dead giveaway.

"Look, Cindy, I can't tell you that I love you, I'd be, to some degree, exaggerating, nor can I ask you to involve yourself with the likes of me, I'd be doing you a disservice." She wasn't really _not_ looking at the redhead as she spoke. "But I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit to caring deeply for you and that I am in fact attracted to you, I'm not blind and you're beautiful and charming and even adorable in occasions… well more like most of the time, really." She stopped herself short, realizing she was starting to ramble. She cleared her throat. "I'm telling you this because I know how it feels to care for someone that wouldn't, in appearance, even give you the time of day. I know what it's like to love and not being loved back, and you don't deserve that. But you really deserve more than I can give you, even as I'd give you anything, everything; and more to the point, more than me, fucked-up, commitment-phobic me." she stopped again, got her hands out of her pockets and passed one through her hair, for the first time really showing the anxiety she was surely feeling.

Cindy could barely breath, there were ten thousand mixed signals in that little speech, and she couldn't put enough of it together to formulate a response, _any_ kind of reaction.

A knock on the door and this opened to let Denise in, slightly baffled at the tableau but not caring enough to evacuate and leave them alone.

"Bernhard, my office now." She ordered.

"But…"

"Now." She cut off the blonde's attempts for a reprieve.

"O.k. I'll be right there," she said to Denise's back as she was already on her way.

"Don't mind me." Cindy's squeaky voice made her wince internally, "I'll just leave this here," she left the folder that brought her here in the first place on the desk, "and I'll be on my way." Same as Denise, she didn't wait for a response and left as fast as her legs could take her without outright running, only hearing the faint sound of Jill's office closing a few seconds later.

At the first available opportunity, (i.e. as soon as the case was put to rest), she was _so_ dragging Lindsay to drink herself to a stupor! After all, Jill was definitively right. She was the perfect person to haul someone's drunken ass around!

**Authoress' Notes:**

_This was harder than I though, and I'm still not happy with it. I, now, have no idea of how to approach the next one, not to even mention the ending for which I have only a subject. Still, thanks pprbckwrtr and res cogitans for your support and, apparently, unshakable faith, also: E. Christianna, JCLover2012, FraLez, __yellowsmurf6,__ nowhere89, Alsike and Morning. Meadow thanks for reading._

**_Nofret._**

**P.s****.**_Do review please, pretty please (puppy dog eyes and lashes batting) please?_


	8. Adrift

**A****drift.**

"Hi ya there, where's the rest?" an unusually cheerful Lindsay asked as she slid on the boot, opposite her redheaded friend.'

"it's only us tonight," the reporter looked at her with a neutral expression. "she knows, Lindz," she declared after a deep intake of air, "she knows." She repeated.

"She _knows_?" the brunette winced. "How do you know?"

"She told me so herself," she said before the waitress came and went with their orders. "on Tom's anniversary." She added.

"Ouch, why hadn't you told me?" the Inspector queried, her voice filled with worry.

"We were all too busy and she didn't seem to remember saying anything," she shrugged. "I didn't see the point."

"And now?" she frowned.

"Now? She'd given me a harangue I need you to translate for me," she delivered taking a sip from her beer.

"Shoot" she gave way for Cindy's blow by blow reenactment of what most have been one of the more painful (and confusing) moments of her life.

"Come to think about it," a pensive Cindy said, "she said something similar on Tom's anniversary: _'you deserve better', 'I'm not good enough', 'I don't want to hurt you'_. Has she always been that pessimistic?" to say Cindy was frustrated was a severe understatement.

"Well, I don't think it's all as difficult as you make it out to be," the brunette explained calmly, signaling for a new round of drinks and feeling relieved it wasn't as difficult as she _knew_ Jill could make things. "the first thing you need to remember: you're friends. From there Jill's whole dilemma, this is quite new for her, you know?" she chucked half her second beer, "there are four Jill's person categories: Friends, _rare_, acquaintances, not so rare, datable, abundant, and strangers, the rest of the world. If she's attracted to someone, either they invite her out or she does, she doesn't befriend them, o.k.? you're a quandary, you were first in the friend category and now you're starting to encompass also the datable one; now she'd too busy trying not to hurt you or affect your _friendship_, which brings us to the whole mixed signals." Another round was ordered and she continued. "She's telling you at the same time what she wants and what she thinks is best for you."

"I get it, but I still don't know what to do." She covered her eyes with one hand.

"I can't tell you that," she smiled ruefully. "just that you have a bigger capacity to hurt _her_ than, I think, even she knows."

**A****uthoress' Notes:**

_How __about that? Good, bad, indeterminate? Something gooey and sticky in from outer space?_

_Thanks pprbckwrtr__ and nowhere89 for your comments, (By the way, I'm a worrywart, can't help myself, the day I have nothing to worry about I won't have a pulse)._


End file.
